Whilst wandering Wal-Mart today as I often do when I’m bored (shut up, its a small town!), I happened upon what I thought to be part joke from God, part sign of the Apocolypse.
Yes, its Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink, available in two delicious sounding yet ultimatly vague flavors: “Cherry Charge” and “Asian Experience”.
Ok, first sign this was a bad purchase: They’re $1 a pop. Second sign? Exactly what the hell kind of flavor is “Asian Experience”?
Well, I picked up one of each, and let me tell you, I believe this was made by brewing Steven’s own sweat. It tastes like a hippie ate an entire herb shop and shat out the resulting mess into a pot. Don’t pick this up expecting the tasty zing of Red Bull or the sweet kick of AMP; this was reminescent of a bottle of expired V8. No, really. Its that fucking bad.
As far as what kind of flavor Asian Experience is, I still have no damn idea. The cans themselves feature only a beautifully rendered picture of Steven, apparently trying to take a shit (or who knows what, he always looks that way), with a list of the ingredients around the rim of the can. Aside from the name of the flavor, I could find no indication as to what exactly they were. But considering its the same ingredients in just about every energy drink made, I can imagine what it was supposed to be.
Maybe its your thing. I dunno, it could have been just me. Just me and the other two people I had try this shit, granted, but stranger things have happened. As for me, I’m only going to be buying two more cans Steven, and that’s to pull out at get-togethers for a good laugh, until about 2025, when I can hock them on eBay for about $2500. The winning bidder? Probably you, Steven Segal, trying to remember a time when people were crazy enough to let a mediocre actor/action star be featured on an energy drink.
Me? I’ll be back at Wal-Mart. If this is any indication, it won’t be much longer until we get Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse Kick Power Bars.